**written September 10**
In both high school and in college I had such a passion to share Jesus Christ with all my friends. The Cross, the amazing things He had done in my life, and the miracles I had seen in others were just TOO GREAT for me to keep to myself. I knew that His Love needed to be shared with everyone that I loved. And loving people was pretty easy. Last year at my college I would walk around campus, my heart breaking for the souls who were living like I was during my "bullfighting days" (pre-conversion days). I loved the students so much that it hurt me to see them turning to the "typical college life" for fulfillment.
And I never thought that when I became a missionary that things would be any different.
But they do feel different. I want to love these students so much, like I did at my old school. I thought these students would quickly win my heart, and I would be so excited to introduce them to Jesus. But I feel almost indifferent, despite how much I want to love them.
So I find myself wondering, do I really love them? Do I really have a heart for this mission? Do I really desire to satisfy Jesus' thirst for souls?
Maybe Jesus is teaching me how to love better (I mean, I hope He is). Even though I don't feel it, I find myself doing things that I definitely wouldn't if these students didn't mean something to me. I find myself sacrificing for them. Sometimes little things, sometimes big ones.
Jesus knows I love these students.
He knows I love these students because on Thursday I played tennis. And tennis is my least favorite sport ever (or at least since hitting myself in the head with a tennis racket in grade school).
He knows I love these students because I went bowling Saturday night (my second least favorite sport).
He knows I love these students because I have not skipped one 8:30a daily mass.
He knows I love these students because I haven't seen one of my best friends since May.
He knows I love these students because one of my best friends is getting married Saturday, and I have missed every single one of her wedding showers, as well as her bachelorette party. And it hurts a lot.
He knows I love these students because I haven't found a regular Confessor or Spiritual Director, and I am longing to be understood and affirmed.
He knows I love these students because I live 22 hours from my family, and won't see them until Christmas.
He knows I love these students because I am missing every single one of my brothers' football games this year.
He knows I love these students because although I've thought almost everyday about leaving Florida, I'm still here.
I could have it wrong. These could all just be reasons that I love Jesus (even though I don't particularly feel that either). That whole "love is a choice" thing is coming into play differently than I thought. I'm not choosing to feel like I love these students, but choosing to do the actions that show my love. I'm choosing to will their good.
